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Jasknowitall
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Name: Jason
Gender: Male
Interests: Music, Fencing, Sports, Foreign Culture / Language (Asian), Different people, Lifestyles, Scenery, and Life itself.
Expertise: Not good at anything
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/28/2002
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| Confused in life (yet again..)So its been way too long since the last time I updated my page... When was the last entry? ah yes... February
Much stuff has happened since February. Since I moved to I-house and since i got involved with ACS, Both kept me occupied other than the heavy loaded course work I was having trouble with during Winter Quarter. I had lots of fun during the span of the 3 months I havent updated Xanga. So right now, (or before) I was studying and reading up on Dynamics and listening to Yiruma. (Horrible thing to do when trying to study). The music made me think of other stuff while reading throught the textbook. I really don't know what i am doing with my life, I cant stress that point enough. Time after time I couldnt see what I truly want to do with my life. So I felt that it was time to buckle down for an hour or so putting my thoughts down on paper (xanga... haha).
So first is love life. Not much of a love life for me. Since i moved into I-house, I loved it! because there were so many cool people. The ratio of male/female is 1:1, so that was super awesome. Once I moved in i started to hang out with the RA, since i knew him (Barry) and a couple of friends i knew in I-House. Then a few weeks later i started to meet more people on the floor. ****Fact: I am really into the whole korean scene, entertainment, culture, food, etc.**** Started to hang out more with girls. There was this one girl, Christina Kim, that seemed to be super nice. Seemed being the key word, because at the time i did not know her well enough to say she is actually nice. so i hanged out with her more and more and she, at the same time was nice to me. Became too friendly and especially nice to me. Within the first.... 4 weeks she told me she had feelings for me. THAT WAS WAY TOO QUICK to tell someone. I was pretty much speechless when she approached me one night saying that. I just sat there, and tried to think of a way of.... saying "i dont feel the same way". But it didnt come out, so I said lets just be friends. AFter that night, thoughts just kept coming into my mind, making myself more interested and more curious about gettign to know her.. and thinking to myself "wat if she was my girl friend? what if she is the one? wat if.. wat if... wat ifs..."
She kept on being exceptionally nice to me, while i was more of less playing along and going with it.
Things started to get out of hand when I dont know why we started to argue. Arguing like how couples would, being mad at each other without telling each other. We are not even going out, so I really dont understand why we were playing those stupid games couples would play when they argue. It was so pathetic. Things started to get worst when (((this is my perspective))) I was too nice to her, and i had to admit i did started to "like" her a bit. To other people it looked like we were going out and dating. but we werent. During this time i had to see if i really do like her and would sacrifice part of my life just for her. I needed to know, so I had to learn who she was and wat she fit for me. These of course are instincts, its cant be labeled as YES or NO. its solely due to feelings.
She have habits of flirting with guys, more of an immature way. She was nag to other guys, being touchy touchy with them while doing that. It totaly made me feel out of line because other people saw that and kinda knew i had some sort of feelings for Christina, but she still did all the flirty, touchy stuff to other guys, so I really felt uncomfortable. As time went on, my feelings for her completely dissapeared and it grew into disgust and dissappointment than anything else. She is still a friend but I just cant stand friends being immature like that.
Towards the point where i started to develop disgust and dissappointment towards Christina, Hyomi Shon started to give me signals. For some odd reason i sense these signals easily. I believe it was around mid-March when Hyomi one day told me to walk with her to the kitchen on the floor, shut the door behind her, and sat me down. It was a very serious setting we were in. she looks at me and tells me with the limited amount of english vocabulary she knew, she told me she had feelings for me, but she just wanted to let me know. Because she is going back to Korea at the end of June, she just wanted me to know before she takes off. I actually also had the same sort of feelings towards her, so i was really happy she did too, but this feeling i had towards her is soooo elementery that I wouldnt consider it REAL FEELINGS. but Hyomi is a person that i am able to make room for possiblities to happen. She has a great personality and i can easily talk with her about things. I like her character, but I know and she knows the relationship wont go anywhere because of the given situation and parameters. So I tried to go out of my way to spend time with her before she goes back to korea. As a friend of course.
so that is the love life part... I still think of Jennifer, STILL from time to time, She is always in the back of my mind. I guess i am still waiting.
Okay, the next part of my entry is to talk about what i want to do in life.
So for all these past years, i wanted to just get a regular, above average paid job and life a happy and easy going life with a beautiful wife and kids right? but What am i doign right now? What should I be doing? Thoughts crossed my mind making me think "hey, maybe I am not built for engineering" "maybe i should be studying along the lines of art" I really dont know what i am truly passionate about, Maybe its engineering? maybe its art and music? I really dont know. I dont know what i can do but to continue studying Engineering only because I already spent close to 3 years already. It would be a waste of time and money if i didnt.
I was watching Cinderella Man (Korean Drama) and fashion really really captures me. Designing really interests me, but I dont think I can becasue i dont have that much inspiration towards its. I could probably excell in something else besides engineering, something I am naturally talented at, something that is purely me and my mind. I am really confused right now. What should i do? until i find out, i have to, have to stick with engineering.
**** end for now.
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| wow its been almost 2 monthsWhen i got back from new york city classes were just too overwhelming. It is also due to the place where i moved to. I-House. I moved from Gibson, to I-House (both dormitories). From January 5th until now I've met just so many people.
There is two things i love in college, first or first and second is I-House and ACS (asian club). I dont know which one i love more!. Both have super cool people.
I-House:
The reason why i love I-House is because I got to know everyone quickly. In 5 weeks, i got to know almost everyone on the ENTIRE floor, academically and in a personal level. Its amazing when i think of this year compared to last year. In the beginning I-House all went to a lunch out at a greek resturant and got to know each other. It was the first time seeing everyone ont he floor together in one place (besides living in the dorms). A few weeks later we all went to the ski-trip at Bristol Mountain. That was another place I got to know the people more on the floor. That ski trip was my.... 4th? 5th? time snowboarding? it was definately KICK ASS. But the greatest thing about I-House is I could walk down the hallway bored and just knock on people's doors, or walk right into Beary's room (RA) and hang around for an hour or two without awkwardness. If i'm bored i can walk into the lounge and watch tv on the HUGE plasma screen. nothing gets better than living at I-House. Maybe its becasue there is a 50/50 ratio of guys to girls. or maybe its because people there are more comfortable with diversity. I suppose the place of living does change the way one can look at college life.
ACS:
The reason why i love ACS is becasue there is a connection among all the members.... ASIAN INTEREST. and becasue of that we can all talk about something and can relate to... OUTSIDE of all the hectic and busy busy school work. Parties hosted by them are fun to go to, and I have to say, theres much more girls than guys in ACS than anywhere else. Its funny how people get drunk, me watching them while im a little bit buzzed, they do funny stuff. ACS pushed me outside of my comfort zone a little bit to meet more people and talk to more random people. Becasue of the Fashion Show hosted by ACS, I got to know them more on a personal level. By just going to the club meetings is not enough to make good friends, I would have to go to parties and performances hosted by them so that there is this "bonding experience". It was weird at first, but once i got to know who they are, it becasue easier and easier to talk to them. Even though a bunch of the girls I met are going to graduate this year,,,, its a nice thought that I met these people and wish i got to know them better.
If only this was my Freshmen year, how better could it have been. It feels like I am reliving my freshmen year of college, but with much harder schoolwork.
ACADEMICS: This quarter I'm taking Mechanics, Thermodynamics, MicroEconomics and Multivariable. I droppped multivariable because it was a bad time for me to take it with the professor. He doesnt give out homework and i suppose it was not time for me to grow up and do problems out of the text book during my free time. Mechanics is moderate, Thermodynamics... O my goodness, this is a class i try hard to understand during every single lecture, but i cant understand anything. I do the homework problems not knowing what i am doing, I sit down in the exam room not knowing what i am thinking. It has to be the worse feeling ever. I just feel so stupid in the class.
Going back to the previous entries I've done... I still do think of her everyday, and at time, almost the start of every hour and the end of every hour. Even after all this stuff that happened this quarter, I think of her alot. But since January, I have not talked to her. She called me once during a perfect time, but other times, i feel to awkward calling her. Its been too long since I gave her a call. I feel sorry, no I am sorry for not calling her, but I need her to be ready when i talk to her, and me getting ready for me talking to her. Its just been difficult for me while she is .... I dont even know what she is in... seems like a relationship, but she tell me otherwise. I just don't understand how can you tell someone "I love you" while you are in a relationship?? it confuses me in many ways.
But i know one thing for sure, is that I do Love you still.
++++ end note here
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| MERRY CHRISTMASyes, merry christmas to you all.
my christmas eve didnt end in a good note. rather terrible, to tell you the truth. I just finished talking on the phone with her and it just made me sad and heart broken once more.
You can't tell someone that your love for them has changed. you just can't. I know my love for her is still EXACTLY the same as it always was. Because i love her that much, THAT MUCH. so much that i would do almost anything for.
But you can't then say to me, "your love has changed for me". I know I KNOW that my heart and my love haven't changed one bit. I love you still, I Do still, 100%.
Probably the way i talk to you, the way i do things changed but that ONE THING haven't. I KNOW FOR A FACT. theres reason for maybe why i change the way i talk and act. Theres so many things i just dont want to say, but i'll put it in words on a screen.
In the beginning, when i finally said "I LOVE YOU" and you said "I LOVE YOU TOO" it felt soo good. I was in heaven! but then later after 3 or 4 months i then found out you were dating this other guy. YOU never told me anything about that. maybe told me "this guy... this guy... that guy did this, my friend" all those, but i still havent questioned one word about you saying "I LOVE YOU TOO". because i believe and i have faith in US. I lost hope for a little bit when i found out after 3 or 4 months of you dating. But not for long.
You told me that you are just dating him, "dating" him, never ever thinking about loving him whole heartedly. I felt assured that I was still the person she loved. BUT almost a whole year knowing that you've been dating and I helplessly watched it develop my heart ached, my heartbeat would slow down and chilled through my bloodstream. I couldnt take it, i really couldnt, but rest assured I would think about what you said "I am only dating him" telling me to understand.
I really do, I REALLY REALLY do understand everything, i do understand that i should wait. I will wait. I am going to wait. now, almost a whole year. my heart goes numb after the aches. I just had to adjust to the pain i feel everysingle time. I cry and i cry, but there is never anyone to comfort me. So i continue to cry alone.
All this time i still hold onto the love. I changed because of what happened. I really can't help it. I couldn't. helplessly watching you dating makes me TOOOO uncomfortable. I couldnt bear any of it, so unconciously i had to change. I'm sorry, i wish i could changed back to the way i was. but one this is for sure, I still LOVE YOU. Saranghae, Saranghamida.
so please never tell me, that ONE THING changed. please. it really hurts me when you say that. It makes me cry harder. please.... please....
please...
(merry christmas to everyone, to all of you who are single or who are in a relationship)
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| Have you everHave you ever put someone in your life that meant so much to you?
Have you ever lost sleep and consciousness because of that something or someone?
Have you ever had part of you give up on yourself and the other part still hoping for more?
Have you ever told yourself to never pick up the phone but still your hands pick up?
Have you ever feel so stupid that you would devote so much time in something that wont even happen?
Have you ever lied to yourself just to make your days pass lighter?
Have you ever complained to no one except for yourself for all the sadness you felt?
Have you ever blamed everything that went wrong only on yourself but never her?
Have you ever wanted to wipe clean of all the sad and happy moments with this person?
Have you ever denied all and still said the 3 words? I Love You?
...
...
...
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| Okay, its been quite a while since my last update and its mainly because of the college work and moving up to RIT. Last entry I talked about how jealous I was, STILL AM.... I dont know why but i still mindlessly dial the 11 digit number to talk with her.
Almost after each time we speak now, I just dont feel happy and comforting, my heart just doesnt feel warm and loved. Its actually the opposite. I still love and love... (i am using the word love too frequently, which takes the meaning away from the word).... and really truly still love her... (LOTS, i just cant describe). But I dont feel the same from her.
Its really depressing... I just dont want this to happen but its happening! how do it stop it? When I end the conversation... its jsut like ending it all...
Why... does she have to do this to me? Doesnt she know what I am feeling? Gave her lots of hints, but she just doesnt respond to them...
But really, I just want an answer.... (but truthfully) I want the answer I WANT. I dont want the other answer.
Just 3 words. I can't say now....
Just 3 words....
I Love You
Such an old fashion guy... i am.
But i'll still be waiting.
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